We have made it over halfway through our summer already. We've been up to a lot of fun things which has been wonderful, but it can also lead to regular, every day activities not providing enough fun or distraction for the boys.
Today I desperately needed to spend some time cleaning our house. My husband and I try to straighten things up every evening before we hit the hay, but find very little time for the deep cleaning that I desire. I've learned to let a lot of little things go for my own sanity, but there comes a time when things need to get done. I'm blessed with such a wonderful husband that when I was preggers (and super sick) with Belle, he let me hire some house cleaners to help me keep the house clean. After the baby was born I was determined that I would be able to take that back over. I wouldn't be sick anymore, after all, and I'd have my energy back.....ummmmm WRONG!!!! What energy? Any energy that I can muster after tending to the three little kids, playing with them, nursing the baby, keeping the house in order, making meals, etc, goes to trying to keep the limited sanity that I have been lucky enough to maintain. So thankfully, the hubby was on board with keeping the cleaners on for a while longer. I must have gotten too comfortable with it. This week the cleaners missed us. We came home from gymnastics and they hadn't been here. It was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I've been running on empty for some time now, dealing with post pregnancy hormones (yes still), being over scheduled, and trying to be the "best" I can at everything. Somehow yesterday when I found out they weren't coming, even after begging, it was like the world was coming to an end. Okay, really not that bad, but I just began to feel so overwhelmed. The boys have been fighting so much lately and it takes everything I have to stay calm (as calm as I possibly can) and to be patient with them to teach them how to act with each other. After another rough day today of nothing that I do being good enough for them, I just felt done. D-O-N-E done. We have a party scheduled for Max's birthday this weekend and I really wanted to have a clean house for it. Not just a tidy, organized looking house. I really wanted it clean. I don't care that the party is not actually in the house. For my peace of mind, I wanted it done. Really for no other reason but because that's the way I like it. So with the house cleaners not working out yesterday, the task fell on me to get it done. In the past, no big deal. I've got it. I felt like I could do it better myself anyway because that way it gets done exactly how I like it. Since the last little one has come into the picture, I don't feel this way so much. And oh my gosh after the morning I thought there was absolutely no way I was going to get anything done with these kids in my house. Not only because right after I would take care of something, they would come and mess it up. And not only because I would have to stop every two seconds and change a diaper or get a glass of water, etc., but also because my five year old would say to me over and over and over and over and over.....etc. "Please play with me, please, please, please PLEASE!!!!! play with me." Even after we had had a wonderful discussion this morning about how Mama was going to take a few hours to quickly clean up the house in the morning so that we could play together in the afternoon. I even rented a Wii video game for him to play so that he would have something special that we had never done before to keep him busy. He had acted like he completely understood and was on board. And it's not like he can't play with his toys on his own. He does it some every day, but for some reason he just can't seem to do it lately. Perhaps he's got "cabin fever" because he's not going to school (even though we are constantly going to different activities), or maybe we all just need a little time apart from each other? But goodness gracious, the constant whining and begging and pleading wore me down today. It made me feel so guilty for trying to take care of the house, but it also did not make me want to play instead. In fact, all I wanted to do was hide in a quiet room and get away for a few minutes. Which is exactly what I did. Belle struggled horribly today to nap. I'm not sure if she could tell the tension was high in the house or if it was just teething or what, but it was brutal. But I did take the opportunity to slip away from the boys and "hide" in her room with her for a little while rocking her, trying to keep my sanity from slipping away. Nico was unusually quiet today, probably because he couldn't get in a word between Max's pleading to play with him and my pleading for him to give me a little time to get the necessities done. The poor sweet baby had the littlest attention of all from me, only being able to get my full attention when nursing and putting her down to try for a nap. I just feel like it shouldn't be this way. We've been going along nicely, having a wonderful summer (with of course a day or two here and there that's off), but the last week or so has been so different. I'm going to be honest and admit that the "hiding" was the best thing I could have done. I took the time to vent a little on Facebook and through instant messages with my mom and sister. Thankfully I have an amazing support system of family and friends to help me feel like I'm not alone.
I love my kids and everything I do is for them. I tried to explain that to my boys today. I told them that by asking them to play on their own or together without me, I was NOT punishing them. That by me taking the time that I need to clean the house and make their meals and do their laundry, etc. it is actually me doing things for them. Yeah...a 5 year old and a 2 1/2 year old do NOT get that. I know in the bigger scheme of things, this is pretty ridiculous, but in the moment it's tough. I just can't shake the guilt that I feel for being disappointed in the way my son was acting, and for letting it get to me so badly today. I know that everyone has days like these and that helps to some extent, but ultimately I just want to help my child have a better day and to be happy with every moment. I know it's not realistic, but I can't help but feel responsible for every bit of their happiness. I'm their MOM! After my hiding the day got a little better, the evening a little worse. And as I write this my 5 year old is struggling to get to sleep and my 6 month old has woken up for the 5th time. Not every day can really be the BEST day, but at least we are blessed enough to know that no matter what, we've got each other's backs. At the end of the day, we still love each other and give hugs and kisses to each other to show what each of us means to the other. Without the rough days we wouldn't value the good days for the importance and greatness that they are. Tomorrow is a new day and we'll try again then. Life's too short to dwell on the difficulties. So here's to tomorrow!
Friday Followup: Because I did not post this last night after I wrote it, I would like to say that today was a MUCH BETTER very AWESOME day for all of us. It was rough going for a while this week, but the mood was complete opposite today. Tonight Fer and I are prepping for Max's party early tomorrow so this is all I will be writing tonight. Just know today was great, we hope and pray the same for all of you. For those of you who had a down day today, look forward to tomorrow!!! Don't dwell on the past, see the gift that is the present! Wish us luck!
P.S. Sorry for the lack of photos...camera broken. Will be borrowing one for tomorrow's festivities, then I suppose camera shopping! I'm not sure how much of a success this blog would be without the fun pics! Just pretend there is symbolism in the lack of photos for this post......we're "hiding"....
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