Leonard the Dog Bear

Leonard the Dog Bear is no regular stuffed animal.  Leonard came to me at a time in my life when I was hurting from a broken heart.  A friend of mine who could relate to the pain offered him to me for comfort.  Now, a stuffed animal that was really hard to distinguish between a dog or a bear wasn't exactly what I thought I needed at the time, however, the gesture was definitely appreciated and it helped us to build a friendship.  Although it was brief, the friendship helped me to hit a turning point in my life.  I believe God puts people into our lives as Angels to guide us toward a better path for ourselves.  This friend was that for me.  It doesn't matter that we no longer have contact with each other because the purpose of that friendship was served.  I do pray that I had something to offer my friend in return, and I am very thankful for her.

Maybe you are wondering where Leonard the Dog Bear got his name.  In the beginning he was nameless.  Just a soft cuddly stuffed animal that I had decided was a dog that sat on my bed in my parent's home.  He reminded me of friendship and hope and it didn't hurt that he's incredibly snugly!  After I got married, I took only a few "extra" things from my bedroom to my new apartment.  He was one of them. 

A little over 3 months after we were married, my Grandpa underwent bypass surgery.  Obviously with it being open-heart surgery, it was a major deal, but I don't think any one of us were prepared for what would happen.  As I write this I'm having a very difficult time finding the words to go through the roller coaster of emotions the final week of Grandpa's life.  It has been just about 7 years and I'm still trying to block that week.  When I let myself, I can remember every single detail, but that's why I've been holding those memories back.  I can not allow myself to get too deep into it, but there are a few things I will share.  We visited Grandpa the night before his surgery.  Then he was shown a video about what the recovery would be like.  It was suggested that he hold a pillow tight to his chest to help with the pain.  The next time Fer and I visited it was after his surgery and he was doing well.  As a little joke I dropped off the stuffed dog for Grandpa to "snuggle" to help his "broken-heart".  Next time we went by, wouldn't you know it, he was holding that stuffed dog close to his heart to help with the intense pain.  He said that it worked the best out of any of the pillows that he had because it was more firm.  I was so excited, he even let me take a picture of him snuggling it while wearing those tights they use to help with circulation.  He told me, "You better take a picture now because this is the last time you'll see me wearing tights!"  I think I just might be the person in possession of the last picture ever taken of Grandpa, and I have never looked at it.  I can't, it's too hard.  That was the last real conversation I had with him.  Shortly after he took a turn for the worse and just kept going downhill.  This is so incredibly difficult to write, I cannot say anymore about the details of that week. 

For those of you who knew my Grandpa, you will not be the least bit surprised by what I say.  For those of you who did not know him while the earth was privileged with his presence, you should know that he was a stubborn, often times grumpy, hardworking, dedicated, honest, caring, loving, selfless, and faithful man.  We gave each other a hard time, but that's how my family does it.  When I was young I was told once by a family member that "you wouldn't get messed with if you weren't cared about."  I guess my family loved me!!!  Anyway, I'm not going to sit here and make a perfect saint of him.  We all know, just like all of us, he had his flaws.  However, I will say that he sure was something so amazingly special to me.  He was Grandpa.  He would take us to check cows sometimes.  We thought it was awesome how we didn't have to wear our seat belts and could stick our hands (and sometimes heads) out of the pickup truck window as we drove down the country roads.  He took us hiking where once I had my very first deer encounter.  He started his own contracting/construction business and with his hard work and dedication made it successful.  But not only that, his honesty made it thrive.  The summer before my sophomore year of high school my brother and I were able to go on a mission trip that if it had not been for Grandpa and Grandma we would have never been able to go.  They helped us out because they believed in us and in the cause.  Because of them we had a head start on our journeys of faith.  That was a trip I will NEVER forget and I worry now that I never told them how much my life changed for it and how grateful I am to them.  My Grandparents have also contributed to putting young men through seminary, even making a trip to India to meet one of these men.  There are countless memories of Grandpa and I could go on, but the point is, this human, this mortal was my superman once.

Shortly after Grandpa passed I remember asking my mom if it was possible to continue to grow in your love for someone after they were gone.  She told me that it was absolutely possible.  This happened for me.  I had always loved that man, but no one seems to ever realize the good they've got until its gone.  Maybe it's cliche, but it is so true.  After he was gone from this world, I felt like I was searching for him everywhere.  It is hard to explain.  When he was living, we didn't live close by after I got married.  It wasn't like we would run into each other places in our daily routines.  But for some reason I always felt like he was around, and I would turn and look many times thinking he was there.  All the while "knowing" he couldn't be.  He was gone.  Recently Fernando and I attended a parish mission at our church.  The insightful speaker spoke about how those we have loved who have gone on walk with us, we just don't see them.  But perhaps sometimes you can feel them.  I LOVED this because I can NOT even tell you how many times I have felt him with me.  We are closer now that he is in Heaven than we were when he was on this earth.  One day very recently I was driving home, alone in my car when all of a sudden I knew he was there in the passenger seat.  The last time my brother had been driving with Grandpa in the car, he was 15 and with a learner's permit.  They were in an accident because Grandpa pretty much forgot he was helping a kid with no clue.  Needless to say the only thing I could think was "Get out, Grandpa!" We had a good laugh.  Then a good cry.  I miss him.  I know many of you reading this now miss him too.  Thankfully, because of the man he was while he lived on this earth, we have faith that his is now in Heaven walking with us when we need it while we finish our journey here.  I know he will be waiting for me when it is time, and I'm sure we'll have lots of things to give each other a hard time about.  It'll be great!

 

 

 

As you most certainly have guessed, that man, my Grandpa, is named Leonard.  My Grandma so selflessly gave the stuffed dog back to me.  He instantly received the name Leonard.  Leonard has been with us now since our family began.  The first time I showed Leonard to Max, he instantly put his arms out and walked to him excitedly.  The first time Nico met Leonard he called him a bear and refused to call him a dog.  He did however say that he was a Dog Bear, hence Leonard the Dog Bear.  The first time Belle met Leonard she smiled the biggest smile and took him in her arms lovingly hugging it.  I like to pretend that there is a little bit of my Grandpa in Leonard the Dog Bear.  Grandpa came to play with Belle today.  He's always on my mind, but even so much more lately.  On February 2 it will the 7th anniversary of his passing.  We may not have his body with us anymore, but I know that my babies have been with him and that he is with us now.  Leonard the Dog Bear assisted in healing my broken heart once before.  He assisted with the pain in my Grandpa's "broken heart".  He is still here to mend our broken hearts.   


 So we can enjoy the BEST DAYS EVER...